This heart of mine, the muscle inside of me, pulsing, beating, and pumping life into my life. I  feel it, I hear it in the silence of night. I hold it in a bedside cradle, like a one eye open sleeping father would a newborn. Only I am it’s child, my heart is the one that never rests. My heart is mine, yet it allows me to be who I choose to be. My heart does not tell me, I command it, yet it lets me feel.

I also know that someday it will stop, just cease to exist. It will not warn me when it suddenly stops, for I have not earned that courtesy. And that’s okay with me, I’ll not be mad. I have given my heart more than it’s fair share of love and pain. I have asked my heart to give love and pain to others as well. My heart does not detest me for the pain I shared with others. And make no mistake, it was a shared pain. 

And in the end, my end, when that moment comes, that dreadful instant when I will know that this is it THE END.

My heart will not ask of me to struggle to keep it pumping, pulsing ,beating.

For it knows that I will accept OUR END. It will only seek to for me to take one last sweet breath and release it completely to my soul, to lie still and seek the heavens that brought us together.

This heart of mine, this beautiful gift given to me will share my very last moment with me just like it was our first moment together. 



Everything is on the line…I have put it out there…Said my piece and shared my heart…I opened up, I truly opened up, AND I did it with so few words…Less words than I thought…I guess that’s what happen when it’s real, huh?…It doesn’t take much at all to tell the truth…The truth is not so dependent on preaching and pleading or selling your feelings to another…It was quite liberating actually…Like a lifted weight…Once I had said what I had to say, I said to myself,”Holy crapthat’s exactly how I really feel!“…Funny thing is, I didn’t intend to get it out there like that, it just kinda happened during the conversation with her about my unhappiness…

She sat and I assumed she was listening…I mean she was driving as I spoke…Tossing in some,”Uh uh’s and yeps,” here and there… Nodding  her head and agreeing occasionally with me while commenting on the other cars on the road and how the sun was TOO sunny that morning…

I had said my truth and not another word…I didn’t plan it that way…I just did not have another word to say after my truth came out…My heart/soul/body/vocal cords didn’t even make a move to say anything else…

We arrived at my office…I got out of the car…She was adjusting her sun visor again…She didn’t say a word and drove off…I stood there and watched her car melt into the morning traffic…

As she disappeared from my view I finally spoke again …“Hey, I want my truth back.”



“How did we get here, to this moment?” I asked her.

“I don’t know,” she said. But we’re together and I really like you.”

“Awww, come on. YOU like me? There are so many other guys out there. Younger guys, better looking than me.” I replied.

“There is one guy, ” she answered.

“Well, then why not just go to him?” I said.

“Do you not want me?” She asked.

“Of course I want you.  Look at how beautiful and young you are. You’re stunning. I can lose myself forever inside of you. I want to lay with you always, hold you tight. My arms long to embrace you and never let you go. My hands. my fingers want to run across your skin and touch every inch of you. With each breath I take I want to inhale you, take you inside of me completely.  Your scent is of youth, you are fresh and unspoiled.  My God, YES I WANT YOU.”

“I want you too, I’ll tell the other guy that I am yours and yours only.” She said with finality and a hint of cuteness. “He doesn’t say these things to me the way you do.”

“Of course he doesn’t, I replied then continuing on. He has the whole world ahead of him. If you say no to him, he won’t care, he has choices. Like you he’s young and able to start new anytime he wants to.” I said to her as a parent would to a child. “Tell me that you want me just for today,” I asked her.

“I want you right now,” she said as she jumped into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and started kissing me with a fury that I have long since forgotten existed. I kissed her back as I squeezed and pulled her in. Her arms held my back and neck in place so that she could control this kiss and my response to her attack. My eyes were open as I watched her hair toss playfully across her bare shoulders. I could hear her moaning and squealing as she probed deeper into my mouth with her soft  pink tongue.

Why me I asked myself?

Why would this gorgeous 22 year old woman want me? A man of 50+.

Then the horrible answer came to me: this woman, this, this thing that is is happening here, it is a dream.

Not a dream I am having.

It’s worse and most likely impossible to ever happen.

It’s a dream I want.


NOTHING IS CHANGING..you might have to read this twice

Is there nothing I can do to change this, this time?…I want things to be different… I want things to be the way they used to be…The way they were, only AS they should be now…You know how things evolve but stay the same?… Like you’re still YOU only an OLDER YOU…Why can’t my things be like that?…Instead, everything of mine is not the same…It is all something else…I mean like it’s Me and HER…NO I mean, it’s like it’s not me and her…It’s just ME and just HER…Here and now…Yet,somewhere out in this beautiful and massive existence we call life,  HER and I are floating along independently..It’s so sad to think that after all we’ve been through, this is what we have become…TWO that once were TWO then became ONE are now TWO again…Yet we are still ONE somewhere…Just not here…And just not now



He was a gentle giant…Strong and honest…Poor yet resourceful…He always had our backs….Taken from us when he was still young enough to live free…I miss him and I miss his laugh…Sadly his laugh  always ended in a choke filled coughing fit because of his smoking…He smiled at life…Loved small children and pets, he wouldn’t think twice about plopping his huge frame onto the sidewalk so he and some strangers little puppy could make eye contact…Happy but not healthy…Loved but not in love…He worked hard his entire life and yet he never became what he said he wanted to become…Never rich…Never lucky…He left us almost 40 years ago…Dying alone on a New York City street…I was just a teenager when I had to go to the City Morgue to identify his body…He looked so small inside of that black body bag…Smaller than I could have ever imagined he would ever be capable of looking…I remember  more about him now than I knew about him then…He is a constant visitor in my dreams…I am smiling as I write this now just thinking of his visits to me as I sleep…I remember his laugh when I am awake…He never laughs in my dreams…



I want to hold you. I really do. When I walk towards you to embrace you I walk right thru you. Like you aren’t even there. Or like you or I are ghosts or something. Like we’re both made from smoke or air. Nothing is solid between us. I am like wind to your cloud. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even see me. Like I’m not even in the same in the room with you. Even though I am sitting right across from you. How can you not see me? Can you see me? Can you just sense that I am there?

Am I here? How can I tell if I am really here or even alive? How do I prove to myself that I even exist?

Maybe I died long ago?

That’s why she doesn’t know I’m here.

I’m dead.

Oh man my stomach is acting up. BBUURRPP!!!


Yeah, I’m alive.



As I wade through my pain…my pain that is clear and real…it is like warm water that encapsulates me…I swim through it’s rip tides and waves as my pain like a crashing slap is coming to shore…my shore…I am a shore…my pain is below and above me…it is to my sides and it glides itself through my hair, across my skin…I feel my pain wash over me… like I’m putting on an soft,old and familiar blanket…it is covering me…my pain is sheltering me, from no pain…with eyes closed…and my body now racked with my pain…I roll and twist through my pain…take a long deep breath and submerge myself into my pain…I swim deeper and deeper down into my pain…I swim down until I feel like I can no longer hold my breath…deeper I go…my lungs are about to burst…my ears are ringing with new pain…yet I swim deeper still…and when I finally cannot stand my pain any longer…I open my mouth…I inhale my pain…it fills me…I begin to float to the surface…carried along by my pain…I break through, into the light of morning…gasping and spitting out the pain…I am in my bed…what a horrible dream I just had…was it a dream…I sit up,shaken with sweat, my eyes immediately drawn to my feet, it is there that i see what is causing my pain. My big toe is entangled within a hole in my bedsheet…ouch that hurts…



I wish I could just rest my heart.

Just take it out of my body, place it in a silk lined box inside of an ice-filled Igloo cooler.

Gently put “my heart container” at the foot of my bed and relax for tonight.

Lay down and close my eyes. Let sleep take me over. My breathing would be controlled and steady paced. Bones and blood would be at ease. For once, I would not have to think or worry about my heart and how hard it works just to keep me, ME.

Yeah, take it out, because while my heart is inside of me, my sleeping is keeping me awake.

Yeah, this is the way to go.

And yes I did exactly all that last night.

I went into my garage and found my favorite red cooler.

Heart – box – ice – cooler – peaceful sleep.

Yet when I awoke this morning to the sound of her vacuuming the bedroom floor, I almost died.

It seems she felt the need to throw out that old beat up red Igloo cooler.




As I wade through my pain…my pain that is clear and real…it is like warm water that encapsulates me…I swim through it’s rip tides and waves as my pain like a crashing slap is coming to shore…my shore…I am a shore…my pain is below and above me…it is to my sides and it glides itself through my hair, across my skin…I feel my pain wash over me… like I’m putting on an soft,old and familiar blanket…it is covering me…my pain is sheltering me, from no pain…with eyes closed…and my body now racked with my pain…I roll and twist through my pain…take a long deep breath and submerge myself into my pain…I swim deeper and deeper down into my pain…I swim down until I feel like I can no longer hold my breath…deeper I go…my lungs are about to burst…my ears are ringing with new pain…yet I swim deeper still…and when I finally cannot stand my pain any longer…I open my mouth…I inhale my pain…it fills me…I begin to float to the surface…carried along by my pain…I break through, into the light of morning…gasping and spitting out the pain…I am in my bed…what a horrible dream I just had…was it a dream…I look around my bed and myself…it is then that I noticed that my big toe has poked through a hole in my sock…ouch that hurts…



It was the sunlight peeking through my window that woke me this morning. Moments before my eyes opened, I imagined her touch. Her soft caressing fingers. Peeling back my blanket as her sharp blue eyes darted between my now exposing skin and her expectation of my awakening. I imagined her whispering a muted giggle to herself. Telling herself how much I’ll enjoy this moment and how this might just be the moment that we heal our broken love. As I imagined this happening, I must have smiled in my sleep. I smiled because it would not be this action that would heal, it is the thought of the action. She must have sensed my arousal or maybe it was the way she let her fingers carelessly drift across my flesh intending reaction from my skin. She knew that I was with her, guiding her, loving her, asking her for more. This love was healing, our love was healing. I could feel my flesh as it came alive. I could feel the goosebumps on my thigh. I opened my eyes with focus to meet hers.



As I was the last one out of our bed this morning. As I being the last one up I became the one to make our bed. As I threw all our sheets, blankets, comforter and pillows onto the floor.  As I walked around our mattress pulling and tucking our bed sheet sides and corners under our mattress.  As I ran my open palms across our bed sheet to smooth and prepare it for tonight’s entrance.  As I filled our comforter with air and let it settle down on top of our bed. As I fluffed our pillows and placed them exactly where they belonged. As I almost walked away without seeing. As I jerked my view back at HER pillow. As I stepped back towards HER pillow. As I NOW noticed that it had a light black smudge on it. As I picked up HER pillow and held it close to MY eyes. As I now noticed this smudge.  As I looked at it  hoping to see through the stain. As my mind processed this I began to weep. As it became crystal clear to me. As I sat with weak knees on our bed holding HER pillow. As I now realized that SHE must have cried last night.



Why must I wait for her? She knows that I am here yet she insists on being late, again. There is nothing I can do about it, or is there? I should not wait and I should maybe hide and when she finally shows up and sees that I am not here she will be the one who is made to wait. Is she making wait, is this a wrong assumption? Of course she makes me wait, and of course I wait. I always wait. Actually I don’t mind, I mean I am waiting for her. She’s worth the wait, isn’t she? Great now I’m second guessing my own thoughts. Maybe this waiting all the time is making me crazier than I care to admit to. Ha ha, sure it’s sounds crazy to you. It does sound crazy doesn’t it? Hell, I really don’t care if it sounds or if it seems crazy that I wait as long as I do. I DO IT ALL THE TIME. I have always waited for her, and I always will. She’s worth it.

 Besides, I want her to see that I am wearing the new sweater she gave me.



I am now awake and I am not sure if that was such a good idea.

I mean if I have to do this all over again, what does that say for my internal sense of self preservation?

Shouldn’t I be thinking of protecting myself from what “ails” me?

If it hurts and I continue to do it over and over again, what does that mean?

Is there a hotline I can call to tell me that what I do is not good?

Should I just stop doing?  

Naw, that wont help me now.

I must get through this day, then I can plan on “not tomorrow.

” NOT TOMORROW, ha that’s a laugh huh?

If I do that  how will I write to you tomorrow?

Well, now, so there it’s been decided.

There will be “NO” not tomorrow. 

Now if I can just find that damn manual.



This is so damn confusing sometimes, this, this love thing. If you love me, then let some things go, stop being so frigging technical about the microwave or the amount of M & M’s I took from the bowl. Does it really matter if me and the boys go to the park now (when they want to!) or later when the chance of them meeting some friends there, is greater? Who cares who’s there, there are swings and seesaws, and we can run around. I swear the woman’s goal is for me to run with stinging killer bee’s chasing me and have me jump off a very very tall brick building bare ass naked,  saturated in gasoline and napalm as I smoke a cigarette, bouncing my face off of every concrete window ledge and steel TV antenna on the way down while my flaming broken bleeding faceless body spirals like a giant lawn dart into a mold and rat infested  metal trash filled dumpster that a drunk is urinating into currently that is piled high with broken glass, lemon juice and soiled baby diapers, and that dumpster just happens to be located in the deserted alleyway directly behind the reception hall where we got married.



Baby I miss you – there is so much we have left to do – so much I need to say to you – I need you to tell me what it is I’ve done or did not do – How can we be so ONE – Then we’re TWO? – Take what you want from me – Take my breath – Take my soul – My inside heart on my sleeve is too much for me to hold alone- If you have no room for me in you – Then take me as a breeze –  That I will encircle you faithfully – Carry me along at your will – Wave me off when I cloud – I will regroup and cover you after you’re done with me  – I just want to be US, can’t you see that? – NOW, one last request I ask of thee – When you see me, RUN TO ME  run, to me.



I dreamed like I was here before in this place or this space. Yes that’s it, this space. I WAS HERE. To think that it might have only lasted a few seconds at most, is amazing. The “ME” was there and I was not alone. She was there too. Close enough to me to make me believe that I was holding her in my arms. Her scent was exactly as I remembered it was.  I remember it so well. Sometimes I might smell it or sense that it is close and I would raise my nose like a hound and try to track it’s origin. I never ever find it, I just enjoy the fact that I can still be pleased by it’s allure. In my dream she was near me and I near her. We held each-other and I squeezed her ass. I always squeeze the ass, it’s a thing I do. With her aroma in my head and her rear in my palms, we kissed. MAN what a kiss, just like I remembered. Sweet tasting and not too wet yet moist enough to make me want to twirl my tongue with hers as we opened our mouths wider. I peeked thru my eyelids at her face and my hand went to her shoulder then her neck. I held her tightly and slid my hand with open fingers up her neck and in through her hair, she moaned. This should not end, ever. How can I make this not end? Prolong the kiss, that’s an option, isn’t it?  I kissed her harder and deeper now. She moaned and accepted. I placed my ass hand around her waist and pulled her tighter to me. She gabbed my ass and pulled herself into me. Now it was my turn to accept and I did accept. The dream was ending. I was losing her. I held her so tight that she exhaled a deep and surprised breath into my mouth. I inhaled her as we kissed. Tighter and tighter I squeezed her. The  more she exhaled the more I inhaled. She suddenly seemed smaller in my embrace than I remembered. My arm around her seemed to slice through her body. I felt my fingers touch myself. The hand that once held her head now covered my own face. I heard her moan a final moan. I almost fell forward as I held onto nothing but air. Her air. I opened my eyes she was gone. I was alone. I felt embarrassed standing there alone. What have I done? I took her. I gave her life, then I took it back. I,,I,, I can still smell her scent.



There are times when I feel like all that I can do, is nothing

I want to do so much, but I cannot.

I breath and I feel.

I laugh and I cry.

I will, but it is not strong enough.

My heart is open.

My heart is weak.

I am my heart.

I want to hold you.

I want you to want.

Spend a moment with me and you will see.

I am everything you never knew you ever wanted.

My heart is for you.

I am for you.

Please, touch.



It shouldn’t be much further down, can it? * I’ve been heading in this direction for awhile now * Surely I will hit bottom soon * AAH, but I remember when it was good * When I was something of value * The days when I could speak with conviction and without consequence * Stand tall alongside my peers * Be proud of who and what I had become * Those were the days * And the nights when sleep was plentiful * Love was always awaiting me * Peace and more peace held out its hand to bring me to its fold * Dreams were of awaking to another day filled with wonder and surprise * I smile at the thought of THEN * But this is NOW * And I am falling * The darkness of the bottom is not visible to me * Yet, I know it is coming fast * The bottom is rising up to greet me *  Faster now * It’s almost exciting really *  My arms are stretched out  wide, accepting *  I’m not floating * Falling * So many bad choices made lately * Falling *


I am awakened again by fear.

The fear of knowing that another day is to be endured.

A fear of not being able to be, just be.

My window is cracked and light silently slips inside to find its way to meet my eyes.

The light creeps and slithers up from the foot of my bed.

Slowly it caresses and worms itself into the folds of my blankets.

Across my legs and thighs it layers me in it’s heat and warmth.

I shift my body as it crosses over my abdomen and then up my chest.

My hand absently reaches up and strokes my neck as the light begins to wrap my throat.

I cough as I expel a dream filled breath.

I am in pool of light and swimming towards the rippling surface in an unspoken obedience.

I break thru the mirror of night.

Gasping, I awake.

My eyes are filled with color and the moisture of  tears.

I blink as the realization of  having to rise again becomes truth.

Holding one pale dry hand towards the sunshine in a weak attempt to prevent today, I stand.



I am in broken waters

I thought that I could float here for awhile

But I cannot

The below isn’t enough to carry me

The above won’t embrace my asking hands

I must be poison to these elements

How did I become what is not wanted

Why does this have to happen

Is there a price due from me

I have nothing but life

Stillness seems to be the command

I will lay and I will hold

How long must this take

What if another ripple this way comes?



Whisper to me softly won’t you please?

Make me belive that all will be well.

And take me to a better place.

Where life is good and time stands still.

Just for a bit, I would like to have.

A life of no worries.

With no shoulder to look over.

Calm and distant.

Like some world.

That has no sun nor moon to glow.

Just sit and rest while I catch my breath.

So I may face coming back to you.



“Steve, wake up, honey, wake up.”

“What, what is it?”

“Steve the  power is out again. ” I’m cold, the furnace must have shut off too.”

“AARRGGHHH. Come here babe, I’ll keep you warm.”

“Steve, please go check the fuse box. The house will be freezing tomorrow morning.”

“Don’t worry babe, you and I will be cozy. Come here and snuggle me”

“STEVE, NO. Go fix the power and maybe when you get back I’ll give you a reward.”

“Nice. Alright, alright I’ll check the damn fuse box.”

Oh well, I’ll just take it easy going down the stairs.

One step after another, there we go, doing fine, ooppss thank god for this handrail.

Alright bottom step.

Where is that damn box anyway, oh yeah in the corner by the little window.

Shit, what the hell did I just bang into, crap, it’s my old weights.

That’s going to leave a mark.

There, fuse box. Oh great which one is the one that’s out.

I don’t know about these things, what the hell was I thinking, I was thinking about sex, duh?

Well it’s too late now to get help.

I’ll just have to fix this goddamn thing myself, then get my reward, oooyaa.

I can do this!

Okay, let’s see.

First I’ll make sure they’re all in tight.

Yes, yes, yes, ooppss loose fuse okay now fuses all tight and snug.

Let me try this switch here.

CLICK UP, click down, click up click down.

Shit, nothing.

AAWWW man, come on Steve think, think.

Oh I know.

There it is, the main lever.

And, lever up, whump.

AHA, we have power.

Going to run back upstairs and get me some loving.

I’m coming honey, well not actually coming.

But I will be soon.

“Hiya doll, daddy’s back and ready for his reward.”

” Oh alright, hurry up Steve, get over here but I have to get up early.”

“Fine with me.”






” Kiss me now,” says she.

” I will,” says he

” On my lips, they’re soft for you.”

” Shh my lover, I know what to do”

” Close my eyes and I await.”

” This kiss I give, will seal my fate.”

” Mmm, it feels, so warm so wet.”

” It is my intention you not forget.”

” He is so strong, yet not too much .”

” She’ll always yearn for just my touch.”

” I’m in a place that’s new to me.”

” This woman’s embrace has set me free.”

” Please don’t stop, please go deep.”

” I hope it’s me that she’ll keep.”

” It’s everything, this kiss I’m in.

” I feel her breath, it tastes like sin.”

” This is what love, should be about.”

” This is what my past, has done without.”

” Please don’t stop, you must resist.”

” I wish I could, but I give ONE kiss.”

” Then I’ll kiss back, and you will stay.”

” I am sorry but, that’s not the way.”

” Will I see you again, maybe one night?”

” No, you won’t, you’ll be alright.”

” Then I shall seek help from  above.”

” Do what you must, It’s only love.”



My head is full of the things that I need to not be – My heart is not where it was – I cannot tell you what I want to do about this – The simple solution is to be another – Just someone else if only for a minute an hour or a day – Then how will I stay me if I leave me? – Maybe I could become someone looking after someone like me – YEAH, that’ll work I’ll just be a “me-watcher” – Every time I feel the need to do something,I’ll just ask me if I should be doing it at all – Simple huh? – What can be hard about this, right? – It’s just like an external conscious – The right and the wrong will be easy to spot and my conscious/me-watcher will advise me accordingly – think this will work out fine – No more worrying about screwing up or getting into or out of trouble – Perfect, then that’s what I’ll do, just do that me-watcher thing – okay I’ll start right…now…. – Okay, any minute now – Here it comes, the me changing to ME-WATCHER –  Not yet, huh? – Wait, is that it, is this what it is supposed to feel like? – I’m changing, I’m becoming, becoming, nothing, I’m nothing – The me -watcher has decided that I should not do anything – That I should not move at all – That I should not feel, sense, LIVE – I should not do anything that ,might not be perfectly safe or good for me – The me-watcher is deciding that I should stay very quiet and still – BE SAFE – – – – – – – – –


I’m going to live and die – I’m going to take chances and fail – I’m going to BE ME – And I’m going to slide into HELL head first, yelling and laughing



There it was, just sitting there looking me right in the eye – Now it is gone – I’m sure I saw it, hovering above the floor, floating almost – No wait, it was dodging back and forth – Like some sort of UFO – Like it was ready to zip out of sight or straight into my face – Crazy when you think about it huh? – More crazy to write it then realize that someone else will read it – I’m sure it’s still here somewhere, maybe its behind me – Haha that’s crazy – How could anything be behind me, I’m leaning against a wall – I’ll turn out the light, maybe it’ll appear in the dark – CLICK – Wow it’s frigging dark right now, holy shit – What’s that sound, it sounds like a zipper being pulled down then up again – Like a mosquito that won’t leave my breath – THERE IT IS  – My eyes are adjusting to the darkness – It’s hovering again, just in front of my face – maybe it thinks I cannot see it here in the dark – But I can, I can – It’s beautiful, it’s right before my eyes – It’s translucent like, I can see the outline as clearly as I can see right thru it  – I reach out a fingertip to touch – To feel – I’m being held in a trance – Everything has slowed down, even the sound of it – Almost there now – Is it reaching to ME? – Softness, liquid, I want to be inside of it’s warmth – One more stretch – I close my eyes, it is too beautiful to look at while I am this close – Closer  –





I’m not prone to emotional outbursts, unless they are accompanied by flying fists. I guess I’m  bit of a “loose cannon” in the feelings department. It just gets to me sometimes, this thing we call living. I know, I know, who the hell am I to complain.

I’m alive right?


I felt like crying because I thought about dying. I am NOT AFRAID of dying, I truly am not. It would be a well deserved rest for me, believe me. What the hell is there to fear in death. Really, think about it. You die and that’s it, no more worries about anything. The living have to worry, they have to continue. The dead get to, well, they get to do nothing. No calendar, no deadlines( no pun intended), no getting up, nothing.

I think the sadness comes from me thinking about those that would miss me( hopefully). I cried for them.  Yeah, I cried because they will cry when I’m gone. I hope that this makes sense to you.

That’s if you’re still reading?

So I cried today and now that’s over with.



This time last year I was not free * there were walls and bars and gates * I was not alone * there were others * there were ones who were inside * there were those who could leave then come back * many could and did * it was a time for reflection and penance * paying pipers * debts * last year I was alone and not free * tell me, are you free ?



As I now look at my life and the things that I have done and not done I am astounded by the lack of what I have yet to do-I have not scaled a mountain-nor have I surfed a huge wave- I have however pulled myself back from the brink of total destruction too many times to remember-I have ridden waves of desperation and internal depression more than any one person should be allowed to inflict upon themselves-I have never had pure peace of mind-I have wasted mind cells and time-time and time again-I am sure that somewhere out there in this life we call life I will find peace-Will you



There it is-my inner self starting to talk again-it’s telling me that I am okay-that things are good-that when you read this I will be over this-this what?-this feeling that I have that tells me who and what I am-sometimes I listen to my inner-sometimes I do not-no worries really-every morning I awake,thankfully-but then the voice tells me to start-“start what?” I ask-“today is The Day To Start” is the reply-okay so I started now what?-hell if this keeps up I’ll be the only one talking here.






Well, here I go again.

Writing because I don’t want to do something else.

Not sure exactly what the “else” is.

The writing helps, it takes me away from everything “else”.

The writing is me somewhere “else” instead of here.

When you do things that you regret or do things and try to forget, or just do it or “else”.

Are you doing something “else” other than reading this?

“Else”, I forget,

thanks for stopping by.


PS What the hell does “Whew”  have to do with this?


Just do me/us a favor and look at where you/I are right now.

Are you/me in a place you/we choose to be in?

Are you/us not ?

Did you/me ask for something different and get what you/we have right now?

Did you/me ask at all?

Can you/me go to a better place at will?

Would you/we if you could?

Is there a better place for you/us?

I/we were not better and now am not.

Only days/nights ago.

Have we/you given all our choices to others to make for me/us?

Why would we/you do this?

Man, I/we wish  you/I knew things other than what I/we only know.

Tonight is a better place than the other night.



Just a note. My last post was Sept 23rd 2008. It was that day that I had to go to a place until right now.

I am out and free.

I will write and be written about.

I will at will write some of the writings I wrote while not free.

I will not tell –  till



It is hot and I await the wind – Its cold and I avoid the wind – When there are days like today I wonder if the wind will change the outcome, will it move this day in the direction I hope – Does the wind move things at all – will its power take good from bad – can it make the hurt disappear?

I await the wind – I will be here standing on this spot – I may rock and sway – I might be pushed and pulled – but I will be here – can the wind and it’s offspring, the breezes and whisps and breathes, make us turn and look? – will we see what the wind is showing us – will we run from or to it?

I hear and I understand – I see and feel

I await the wind.



I stand in a line at the market – you stand in line too – I drive on the freeway – so do you – I eat at the diner – you might be sitting right next to me – I believe my troubles are the most extreme – so do you – I worry about the past,present and future – so do you – I have to deal with stuff – so do you – you must pay the price – so do I – I look at you – you stand in line behind him



I often wonder when it will happen – not how – but when – I know it is coming, my family knows it is coming – the folks who pronounced it know it’s coming as well – there will come a moment of finality –  its a date, a time a surrender of life – I am neither afraid or angry of it – I am both saddened and asahmed of it – I have a price to pay and pay it I will – my life will be out of control (my control) – my life will be governed, monitored and  under a scope- I will be weighed and measured – dressed and directed – take it and do as you please – I will not fight nor will I provoke – but be assured that I will defend and stand



each day becomes one less for me – the hours seem to run faster than I do – and as for the minutes, well they are gone – I reach for them and they are not within reach – I awake and see another day filled with minutes I cannot touch – I lay down to rest and feel the hours adding up – I dream of time and of how time is a combination of days, hours and minutes – the dream tells me that when I awake I will have spent that time never to get it back – my body aches for more time – my head thinks of how time is wasted – my heart beats – the seconds pass – the minutes fly and still the hours run – I am not angry – I am here and I will be here days, hours and minutes from now



What piece is missing? – What one small single item is not here that used to be here? – Is there a crack and the pieces are draining thru it? – An empty hole that was purposely made, just to be filled? –  Has something devoured something else here? – Is the piece that I was standing on earlier, never really there? – Where are the pieces that made up the whole – The pieces that kept the center filled? – The middle that held it all together, was that ever there for me? –  Does the everything else find the broken and discard it?  –  If yes, then that would explain the missing and the reason why things go astray, right? – But then, how do we explain the everything?



I write and I write  – the words are really telling me what to say to you – I have no plan of what the words will tell – I have no beginning, middle or end in mind – I merely type as it occurs to me – I am alone here in the evening – everyone is asleep and I write to you – will you read what I write? – will you respond to it? – is it safe to assume you are still reading this at all – I do not know why I write nor do I know why you read – this is what it has become – I am not in control and I am not concerned by that at all – I write to tell you what you need to hear and what you would like to read – it is very hard for me to imagine you reading what I write – I am sure you would like to look away right now – but you cannot, or have you?



driving the car – going to the restaurant of my choosing – watching what I wanted to watch on TV – listening to my music – wearing what I wanted to wear – doing whatever I wanted to do – sleeping in on weekends – playing with the kids – making plans – spending money – taking trips – not asking permission – being in charge – surfing the net – surfing – singing – dancing – laughing – making phone calls – kissing my bride – seeing the sky – walking across the street – swings – slides – see saws – building – fixing – cleaning – cooking

these are some of the things I do now – some of the things you do now

these are the things I cannot do soon – these are the things I must get into the habit of not doing



They stand at the gate holding a watch and they are waiting for me.



there’s room for the beds and the toys – there’s room for the clothes and the tv – there’s room for the books and the desk – there’s room for the light to shine in come morning – there’s room for the tools to fix the leaks and the cracks – there’s room for chairs to relax in – there’s room for time to reflect and pray – there’s room for band aids to fix boo boos – there’s room for growth and hope – there’s room for love – and most importantly there’s room for us to rebuild and for us to come together again as ONE

when you read this and think of where this room is – this room is here



So it goes – we place our belongings on the asphalt driveway and watch as strangers that we invited come looking/probing/sniffing – it has been 2 hours now since we opened the doors and still they come and go – the china we had gotten as a gift – the tv from the upstairs playroom – the chair we used to rock the boys to sleep in – the mugs used last week for drinking my favorite tea – the lawn mower and the snow blower – the toys that the boys had to choose not to bring – the coffee table and the lamp we bought for our first home – these are the things that went the quickest – these are the things we had the longest – the memories – will you take less for this?



She has the box with the legal documents that say who and what we are – this box has photos – that box is filled with dishes from the kitchen – the box in my hand has toys and games – he’s carrying a box with clothes – I am loading the box with the fine china – he has the red box cramed with shoes and slippers – the truck has boxes in it already – the car has some boxes in the back as well – there are boxes for later – and boxes for now – boxes filled with stuff to sell – boxes to keep  – boxes with stories to tell – the box I am sitting on will go with us – the box next to it will not – I took a long look at our boxes – they are boxes of all colors sizes and shapes- some boxes are plastic like lifes little lies – some boxes are rubber that help us rebound – the boxes of metal tell me to stand and hold my ground – the box that helps me most is the one she carrying right now – it is the box with the letters I wrote – the box filled with heart – I will need more boxes she says



You come into the world as an individual – you struggle to fit in – maybe you do –  maybe you don’t – the world takes you into it’s arms and shows you what it has to offer – you make choices – some good – some not so good – others take their shot at the world just like you do – some achieve success –  some do not – you are not alone anymore – one day you connect with someone – maybe they are taking the same roads and making the same choices as you do – maybe not – the world takes you into it’s arms again only this time you’re two not one – winds change – earth shakes – tides repeat – the two become more – the world is getting full –  you become one – BOOM



It’s not fair – she said

I know it’s not fair but we have to keep pushing thru this – I said

We’ve lost everything – she said

Yes, we have, but we have eachother – I said

I know, and thats what’s most important – she said

We can get our things back – I said

But it hurts that we lose them – she said

I will get us back to where we were before this happened – I said

I know you will, I just want this to begin so it will end – she said

I do too – I said

It hurts – she said

Is this why you’re crying right now – I said

No, I burnt the pancakes – she said

I’ll eat them anyway – I said



Where I stand is the center of all that is. The middle of the rest of everyones everything else. I have no end nor is there a beginning for me. To be honest I have the best spot in the best damn universe. To the left of me are the caring types. To the right of me are the ones who say they care but all they really care about is making things right for themselves. Standing with me and holding my hand are the ones that know what it is that I face. The smaller circle that surrounds me and the hand holders is filled with those who reach out hoping to have their hands filled. The circle around them is lined up but not packed with those who want to see what the others are reaching for. Still there is the outer outer ring of spectators that wish to be there when “IT” whatever IT is happens. The furthest circle from that outer ring is the one that is most concerned about being seen looking into the center. They are the ones who are just plain curious and would most likely believe whatever the people closer than them said about what was happening in the center. Below all the circles are the ones who wait to see who falls and who stands. Above the circles is scattered with those who wait to see who rises from the center and the outer rings.

The middle is still open to hands.

I Am Times Square



arrive/sign in/change clothes/meet new people/eat and sleep/ wake and meet more new people/meet rules/obey rules/maybe eat/maybe sleep/dream sad/wake/eat/work/1248 days/sign out/leave



41 months

3 years & 5 months

107,827,200 seconds

1,797,120 minutes

29,952 hours

178 weeks

one day in  – one day out

this is me – this is me on time

tell me what you think is happening.



There’s a beginning – There’s an end

The middle is the fun part

Or is the end the fun part

Maybe it’s the beginning that’s so much fun because it’s all new and different

Wait, that’s crap. the end is the best part, it’s over, you see results

But if the middle is where you leave the zone of nothing is happing here to the land of “I see the light”, wouldn’t that be the best part?

Starting is good sometimes

Ending is bad sometimes too

Then there’s the middle again and that can be frustrating

So to sum it all up from my point of view.

I am neither at the end nor the beginning

As for the middle, well I’m just not there

So, to start here would be useless to you and to me

So to you (and me) I say

The End



10:45 am tomorrow is the time I have to stand and accept what has already been decided on my behalf.

10:45 am in a courtroom

10:45 am with my wife my by side

10:45 am they will read the documents that tell me

10:45 am I will listen

10:45 am I will hold my breath

10:45 am



1:23pm is now – starting to write without plan – end at 1:35pm – begin- taking the time to do this is actually quite liberating – i enjoy that i can get away for a few –  the kids are watching a movie and not screaming at each other –  my bride ran to the store a little time for herself as well i guess-  are you still reading this? thanks – what to do for the rest of the day is being thought by me as i write this ramble – hung with the neighbors last evening will admit they are pretty cool – the little kids had lots of fun – good food cold beer – my wife even had one YEAH – i should have an intervention to have my wife “start drinking” – she is pretty funny and very relaxed i felt glad for her- life sometimes is stressful and to see her smile and mingle with others was a nice change – i see you – never take life for granted- love your children – its starting to rain right now and my kids are laughing as they run through the house closing all open windows – we are very lucky to have rain – like i did last night i will stop writing at 1:35 exactly so do not be confused by the last lines – took an inventory of what my life is worth these days and as i looked at soem of the more material objects it occuredd to me that i have way too many things – only things that count are the smiles of my childeren and the happines each day brings to those i love- i wanted to take a real hard accounting of those i might have hurt or damaged in my life and i couldn’t find out why they would be mad at me it was life happening nothing more- the rain has slowed now but the thunder is kicking back up- the kids are laughing at the noise – i love my wife – you there still? – time running out – maybe we’ll write again – maybe


10:12pm is now – i’ll write until 10:20 and stop then. the evening is the end of the day for me. i do not get many chances to repeat much in my life so when it’s a good night i take it. the night is not what it should be – the night should be a time of rest- a time to recharge. it is not that night tonite – tonite is the beginning of another time period of emotional highs and lows of tossing and turning during the sleeping hours. i will do just that tonite, toss and turn. i will also dream of things that do not make sense to anything that had to do with my day. hold on for the ride i tell myself, hold on. the night will end just as this quick little ditty about night will end. i have no joy nor do i have any regrets in writing this babble about tonight. somewhere out  there resides a person who controls my night and my day for that matter, i will meet this person on tuesday in a room with guards. that night will be a night i’ll tell you that. i promise to write about that day that night. is this a ramble or a babble? Oh well it is 10:19 i have to go now. i hope you like this, if you do not then maybe we should all stop writing about things that make



I am crafting a short story titled Attica Blinked.

I hope to have it ready before I am sentenced to prison on August 12th 2008.

I know, I know, you’re thinking. “What the %#@* is this guy talking about?

IT JUST SO HAPPENS that I actually am to be sentenced for a mistake I made while running my business using outside investors capital. I will most likely serve some time as well as make total restitution to my former partners.

I am completely prepared to satisfy both requirements.

I have a story topic list that I add to on a daily basis and I go down that list, pick a title and start writing.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS that “Attica Blinked” is the next title on my story list.



frank works where we work – he works

frank plays where we play – he plays

frank sings where we sing –  he sings

frank does what he does – so do we

-peace to you frank


I started writing this as a “WHINE” about work and Monday’s, then I decided to have some fun with it.

I’m shooting totally from the hip here:

Monday morning as a baby; hungry, wet, can’t speak and can hardly move.

Monday morning as a toddler: hungry, wet, can’t stop speaking, refuse to stop moving.

Monday morning as a 10 year old: hungry, don’t want to brush, speaking very loud, don’t want to move.

Monday morning as a teenager: hungry, pissed off, yelling, can’t wait to move out.

Monday morning as an adult: hungry, late for work, getting yelled at, can’t wait to find a new job.

Monday morning as a parent: hungry, late for work, the kid is wet, can’t wait till the kid can move and speak.

Monday morning as a nesting adult: hungry, able to sleep, don’t want to talk, can’t wait till the kids visit.

Monday morning in heaven: you tell me!



What a horrible nights sleep, I am so freaking tired. In my next life I want to come back well rested, or maybe have a super power that grants me a good nights sleep. Dreams are getting weird too, I mostly dream thru the night (if that’s even possible), I think sometimes I actually dream about a good nights sleep. Sleep to me is all about resting, not not resting. Once while sleeping on a steel bench in a jail cell I belive I slept pretty good, maybe because from there I couldn’t do anything else and my mind and body knew that I couldn’t do anything but sleep.

Now that’s a screwed up way to measure a good nights sleep, huh?

Tonight I think I’ll resort to desperate action, I’ll just stay up and type or read and defiantly drink and then I drop like a rock on the couch. I sleep right thru till the rest of the house wakes up and then I will have to awaken by default. But, I will have slept thru the night and most likely I will wake up in the same spot I started in. Waking up in the same spot to me is a sign that I sleep good, and by same spot I mean the same position not the same zip code or anything like that.

Well I hear that my coffee is perking, gotta run.


JULY 16th 2008

I did have a message from my attorney stating that my sentencing has been postponed until August.

Great, thanks so much, I still don’t know if I should fix my lawn mower. I have been trying to hold off on things around the house so I can save some money for my family to use while I go to a nice comfy cell in some prison.

But every time they reschedule this freaking thing it just adds to the misery. I wonder if I could get “time served” due to all the mental anguish to date.

Ha-ha only kidding, I’ll deal with what I have to do.


  1. Frank Szalay says:

    just a moment to wish you a Happy Birthday… with time enough for you to see it…Wishing it be a really good one…
    Summer Skye (and Kaya Noele) do not sleep at night…

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