Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

clense heart

Cleanse my Heart



Just want to

Wash away

All the moments

Before today

Start fresh

With new reason

Stop giving

Into treason

If I could

Id reach in

Remove the pieces

Of past sin

Look at it

In tilted hand

Watch it spill

Like time clock sand

Never again

Will I be

Brought to tear

Brought to knee

All it takes

To live this part

Is cleanse my soul

Cleanse my Heart



Here is a collection of all the posts that I never finished. I started them and then either lost my momentum or got interrupted. I thought this might make for some interesting comments.


It’s not like I mind the walk, because I don’t. In fact I cherish the journey more than the destination, truly I do. I always take the longer road so I can see and experience more. This road may be filled with turns and dips, but that is why I walk it


I close my eyes and I see HER.

SHE stands just ever so close enough that I can see.

I inhale and I inhale HER.

SHE gently exhales in my direction.

I move and I feel HER moving with me.

SHE dances with my soul, moving me to and fro.

I breath and I sense the rise and fall of HER chest.

SHE pushes my lungs so that I can fill of HER.

I look over my shoulder to change lanes and I see HER of the side of my road.

SHE races towards the engine of me.

I even know SHE’s standing beside my bed at night, I try to open my eyes but cannot.

Mockingly SHE brushes my cheek with her hair.

I can taste HER scent.

SHE wets her finger and traces it across my lips.

I am all around HER.

SHE has me in HER sights.

I want HER to make me HERS.

SHE holds my heart and cradles my life.

I cannot say to HER.

SHE will not hear.



I keep thinking that I have lost my dark edge. I recently said to a friend that sometimes life treats you in a good way and in it’s wake you lose something. It might be the other way around too. Maybe the hard replaces the soft. For some that might be a good thing, I personally don’t want the change. I happen to like where I am at times, and I would rather ME change things instead of having LIFE rearrange ME. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m happy in my life really I am. It’s not what I was expecting, but hey it’s a life. The reason I get out of bed in the morning


I wasn’t hoping, planning or even looking for this to happen, (again). She was just wandering along her road and I was blindly taking one step in front of the other in my so called life. I can’t remember how it happened, HELL I can’t even begin to imagine WHY it happened?  Wasn’t I given enough second chances in my life. Wasn’t it me who took every golden opportunity HANDED to me and squandered it? WTF. There must be more deserving than ME? Is she more deserving, if she is, than why am I in HER picture? I don’t get it anymore, this whole KARMA thing is happening again to me, only this time I’m not the one receiving, I’m the one giving, for chrissakes.

So to sum up; met her,wet her, forget her.

Oh man, this sucks.



I cannot believe the level of anger that swells up  inside of me. It is like a WHOLE nother person in there. Someone who is at the very end of nothing left. I used to believe that I was bulletproof, that nothing could hurt me. I was at one time THAT GUY. Not anymore, now I’m just a shell of that guy. All the years of getting shot at, well I guess some of those rounds got through, because I’m starting to feel the shrapnel. Too bad, I suppose it happens to the best of us huh?



Just humming along, singing a song, thinking I got it made in the shade. “HA”  “HA HA” I say. Got it made my ass! I got played, bamboozled, hoodwinked, scammed. By none other..than MYSELF

What a crock it is to think I have no



“Honey I’m home,” I called out as I walked in through my  front door.

“Honey, hello?” There was no answer. I put down my briefcase, hung up my hat and coat and walked into the kitchen to find my wife.

My son came out and jumped on me and said,”mom went to buy a lottery ticket dad, she said she was tired of being unhappy.”



Man, what a beautiful day it is today. Looking up at the sky I can see every single cloud, really every single wisp of white cotton. I could almost reach up and touch the strands of silk as they float past me. The suns warmth and the gentle breeze as they mix and dance around my face is exhilarating. I feel each puff of air that is allowed to stray from the other winds above me.  The springs release of scents like grass and moist dirt seeps up from below me and mixes with it’s sister like heat of the day. I love this time of year. I wish it to never end, always be warm and playful. Teasing me with it’s allure of more days like this to come. I was standing on the side of the street as the band marched past me.  I could hear each instrument as it was played. I could sense every emotion the music was trying to elicit in me. Staring at the parade and the others like me watching it, I was overcome with a sense of singularity. I suddenly felt like I was completely alone in this crowed space. My senses were heightened and alarmed as I began too see what was happening. While everyone cheered and clapped for the marchers as they passed by. I saw it happening through my now impaired vision. Is this for real??? Can this actually be happening??



The fact that she and I even talk is amazing…There is nothing for us to talk about….Nothing in common…Either I’m wrong OR she’s wrong OR we’re both right OR as is often the case we are on total opposite sides of the simplest of topics…It does not matter who’s talking OR who’s listening…I wish I could be someone else watching us as we talk…What would it appear to be that we are doing?…Hell, I’m not saying  it’s a horrible relationship…I love her and I’m sure she loves me…We just don’t say it anymore, at least not to each other…Sad isn’t it?…For all the talking we do AT each other you’d think ONE of us would take the initiative and stop talking and SAY the one thing that we both need to say and hear…



Last evening I was unafraid…last evening I was bold and brave in a cute boyish mannered way…last evening I made sure to scrub clean all the parts of me that might get kissed,licked or touched…last evening the air outside was crisp and fresh, the air was begging for cuddling…last evening I figured it to be the perfect evening…last evening I made my move…last evening I was wrong…last evening was “HE SHOOTS, he misses”…last evening wa



Closing my eyes and wishing sleep to take me quickly, but once again I am cheated. Why must MY body refuse to give me what it needs? What it craves, desires and most importantly begs for. I beg to forget this day, just as I begged to forget yesterday, and I will most surely ask the same tomorrow evening. Just lay down and have it go away.



ONCE upon a time –

I just walked in and saw her standing there**She was waiting for me, really waiting for ME **Maybe everything in HER whole life had led her to this point**It seems MY karma had this planned all along**When I said hello and she smiled I knew right then that I would kiss her**Great kiss too**Many years have since passed and we have grown older, together**I cannot kiss her anymore**IT just isn’t the way now



Ha ha , it’s happened again. The one you think is the one for you is just another one. WOW, how many times do I have to go thru this crap?

This heart of mine, the muscle inside of me, pulsing, beating, and pumping life into my life. I  feel it, I hear it in the silence of night. I hold it in a bedside cradle, like a one eye open sleeping father would a newborn. Only I am it’s child, my heart is the one that never rests. My heart is mine, yet it allows me to be who I choose to be. My heart does not tell me, I command it, yet it lets me feel.

I also know that someday it will stop, just cease to exist. It will not warn me when it suddenly stops, for I have not earned that courtesy. And that’s okay with me, I’ll not be mad. I have given my heart more than it’s fair share of love and pain. I have asked my heart to give love and pain to others as well. My heart does not detest me for the pain I shared with others. And make no mistake, it was a shared pain. 

And in the end, my end, when that moment comes, that dreadful instant when I will know that this is it THE END.

My heart will not ask of me to struggle to keep it pumping, pulsing ,beating.

For it knows that I will accept OUR END. It will only seek to for me to take one last sweet breath and release it completely to my soul, to lie still and seek the heavens that brought us together.

This heart of mine, this beautiful gift given to me will share my very last moment with me just like it was our first moment together. 




Everything is on the line…I have put it out there…Said my piece and shared my heart…I opened up, I truly opened up, AND I did it with so few words…Less words than I thought…I guess that’s what happen when it’s real, huh?…It doesn’t take much at all to tell the truth…The truth is not so dependent on preaching and pleading or selling your feelings to another…It was quite liberating actually…Like a lifted weight…Once I had said what I had to say, I said to myself,”Holy crap, that’s exactly how I really feel!“…Funny thing is, I didn’t intend to get it out there like that, it just kinda happened during the conversation with her about my unhappiness…


She sat and I assumed she was listening…I mean she was driving as I spoke…Tossing in some,”Uh uh’s and yeps,” here and there… Nodding  her head and agreeing occasionally with me while commenting on the other cars on the road and how the sun was TOO sunny that morning…

I had said my truth and not another word…I didn’t plan it that way…I just did not have another word to say after my truth came out…My heart/soul/body/vocal cords didn’t even make a move to say anything else…

We arrived at my office…I got out of the car…She was adjusting her sun visor again…She didn’t say a word and drove off…I stood there and watched her car melt into the morning traffic…

As she disappeared from my view I finally spoke again …“Hey, I want my truth back.”





Every now

And every then


All but end

At first it is

Just little things

Like how he acts

Or how she sings

Then it grows

But not outside

We both keep silent

We both play pride

Then one day

You both explore

You both are shocked

At the unload

I didn’t know

Why didn’t you say

All the things

That went astray

So know you know

Not to pout

Now you know

To let it out




All I want

In this life

Is me be husband

You be wife

That is it

Nothing more

Nothing less

I ask for

All the trouble

All the pain


With your name

I hope you feel

This way too

I hope my love

Makes you do

When it’s told

Of how we cared

They’ll speak of all

The love we shared

Of all the things

Meant to be

They‘ll speak of you

They’ll speak of me



Is there nothing I can do to change this, this time?…I want things to be different… I want things to be the way they used to be…The way they were, only AS they should be now…You know how things evolve but stay the same?… Like you’re still YOU only an OLDER YOU…Why can’t my things be like that?…Instead, everything of mine is not the same…It is all something else…I mean like it’s Me and HER…NO I mean, it’s like it’s not me and her…It’s just ME and just HER…Here and now…Yet,somewhere out in this beautiful and massive existence we call life,  HER and I are floating along independently..It’s so sad to think that after all we’ve been through, this is what we have become…TWO that once were TWO then became ONE are now TWO again…Yet we are still ONE somewhere…Just not here…And just not now