Archive for January, 2012


I am in the middle

Of who I am

I am not the same

Do you understand?

Is my “not”

What you can see?

Or is it just

What’s meant to be?

How shall I share

What I’ll become?

With those who’ve seen

What I’ve undone?

Reach out to touch

Or simply graze

It is your eyes

That show your daze

Do not fear

Or cry inside

Be of full heart

Thou will not hide

Remember your life

Is not your own

Remember to reap

What you have sown



This is so damn confusing sometimes, this, this love thing. If you love me, then let some things go, stop being so frigging technical about the microwave or the amount of M & M’s I took from the bowl. Does it really matter if me and the boys go to the park now (when they want to!) or later when the chance of them meeting some friends there, is greater? Who cares who’s there, there are swings and seesaws, and we can run around. I swear the woman’s goal is for me to run with stinging killer bee’s chasing me and have me jump off a very very tall brick building bare ass naked, saturated in gasoline and napalm as I smoke a cigarette, bouncing my face off of every concrete window ledge and steel TV antenna on the way down while my flaming broken bleeding faceless body spirals like a giant lawn dart into a mold and rat infested metal trash filled dumpster that a drunk is urinating into currently that is piled high with broken glass, lemon juice and soiled baby diapers, and that dumpster just happens to be located in the deserted alleyway directly behind the reception hall where we got married.


I stand and wait
For you to arrive
Is your fear
That I’m not alive
Still you know
That you must travel
To me here
As I unravel
Step and step
Will bring you near
It isn’t me
That you fear
It is what’s inside
Of your heart
That makes your journey
Hard to start
As you walk
On my path
My open arms
Are love, Not wrath
You’re almost here
We both can see
Just a bit closer
And You Shall Be Free

Baby I miss you – there is so much we have left to do – so much I need to say to you – I need you to tell me what it is I’ve done or did not do – How can we be so ONE – Then we’re TWO? – Take what you want from me – Take my breath – Take my soul – My inside heart on my sleeve is too much for me to hold alone- If you have no room for me in you – Then take me as a breeze –  That I will encircle you faithfully – Carry me along at your will – Wave me off when I cloud – I will regroup and cover you after you’re done with me  – I just want to be US, can’t you see that? – NOW, one last request I ask of thee – When you see me, RUN TO ME  run, to me.

I dreamed like I was here before in this place or this space. Yes that’s it, this space. I WAS HERE. To think that it might have only lasted a few seconds at most, is amazing. The “ME” was there and I was not alone. She was there too. Close enough to me to make me believe that I was holding her in my arms. Her scent was exactly as I remembered it was.  I remember it so well. Sometimes I might smell it or sense that it is close and I would raise my nose like a hound and try to track it’s origin. I never ever find it, I just enjoy the fact that I can still be pleased by it’s allure. In my dream she was near me and I near her. We held each-other and I squeezed her ass. I always squeeze the ass, it’s a thing I do. With her aroma in my head and her rear in my palms, we kissed. MAN what a kiss, just like I remembered. Sweet tasting and not too wet yet moist enough to make me want to twirl my tongue with hers as we opened our mouths wider. I peeked thru my eyelids at her face and my hand went to her shoulder then her neck. I held her tightly and slid my hand with open fingers up her neck and in through her hair, she moaned. This should not end, ever. How can I make this not end? Prolong the kiss, that’s an option, isn’t it?  I kissed her harder and deeper now. She moaned and accepted. I placed my ass hand around her waist and pulled her tighter to me. She gabbed my ass and pulled herself into me. Now it was my turn to accept and I did accept. The dream was ending. I was losing her. I held her so tight that she exhaled a deep and surprised breath into my mouth. I inhaled her as we kissed. Tighter and tighter I squeezed her. The  more she exhaled the more I inhaled. She suddenly seemed smaller in my embrace than I remembered. My arm around her seemed to slice through her body. I felt my fingers touch myself. The hand that once held her head now covered my own face. I heard her moan a final moan. I almost fell forward as I held onto nothing but air. Her air. I opened my eyes she was gone. I was alone. I felt embarrassed standing there alone. What have I done? I took her. I gave her life, then I took it back. I,,I,, I can still smell her scent.



There are times when I feel like all that I can do, is nothing

I want to do so much, but I cannot.

I breath and I feel.

I laugh and I cry.

I will, but it is not strong enough.

My heart is open.

My heart is weak.

I am my heart.

I want to hold you.

I want you to want.

Spend a moment with me and you will see.

I am everything you never knew you ever wanted.

My heart is for you.

I am for you.

Please, touch.


It shouldn’t be much further down, can it? * I’ve been heading in this direction for awhile now * Surely I will hit bottom soon * AAH, but I remember when it was good * When I was something of value * The days when I could speak with conviction and without consequence * Stand tall alongside my peers * Be proud of who and what I had become * Those were the days * And the nights when sleep was plentiful * Love was always awaiting me * Peace and more peace held out its hand to bring me to its fold * Dreams were of awaking to another day filled with wonder and surprise * I smile at the thought of THEN * But this is NOW * And I am falling * The darkness of the bottom is not visible to me * Yet, I know it is coming fast * The bottom is rising up to greet me *  Faster now * It’s almost exciting really *  My arms are stretched out  wide, accepting *  I’m not floating * Falling * So many bad choices made lately * Falling *